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I’m good with advice. At least people tell me I am. I boil it down to the fact I see things in a pretty abstract way. Simple, but quite left field. Fresh perspectives, they’re the ones that can truly get a person out of a rut.
The problem though, is I see things this way, because I actually live this way. From the freedom in my thoughts, to the freedom in my movements. To the carefree absolution I have when faced with others opinions and acceptance, versus my own gratification.
I say “problem” because more often than not, my solutions will work… They just take many more hours than a simple conversation to develop and execute. A mind state isn’t something you just adapt over night.
It seems very broad but most problems, at least the ones I keep hearing, seem to stem from a single ailment. A weakness of a facet of the psyche called self-esteem. Now, problems are an infinitely broad subject, so I’m going to pick a focus…
I’m writing this because I fear many people aren’t engaging in them in the healthiest of manners. I fear this, because after being in a non-monogamous relationship for 6 months, I’ve yet to find another partner with enough self-esteem to actually engage in a meaningful relationship, of any kind, emotional or sexual, after acquiring the knowledge that I’m already involved with someone else.
There in lies the irony. I have the freedom to feel anything for anyone and act on those feelings, without breaking a trust… But I’m abundantly finding that having that freedom, leaves you so very alone. The amount of fish in the sea gets so much smaller, because the vast majority, schooling around these waters, have an uncontrollable fear of lose, pain and abandonment. I guarantee every one of you reading this knows the pain of having a loved one break your trust, lose interest, or find someone who can give them something you just can’t… and that is an inevitable part of being human. If you want to be intimate or passionate, if you want to love wholly and honestly and let your guard down and share truly uncensored and beautifully raw parts of yourself with another person, it will not last forever and that is a fact. Not because I’m cynical because eventually, one of you will die. You could have the perfect, text book monogamous relationship, filled with endless affection and mutual passion for years but eventually that person is going to leave you and you shouldn’t fear it. Consider how lucky you were to have felt those things in the first place!
So many people fear the end because they don’t love themselves. Yes, it comes down to that age old saying; that you must learn to love yourself, before you can truly love someone else. And there’s a damn good reason you’ve heard of it! If you already have a love affair with yourself, when another lover leaves, what’s there to really be sad about? You’re left alone. With an amazing beautiful, human who loves every one of the hobbies and indulgences, you do, BECAUSE THEY ARE YOU!
Now achieving that, that is the hard part. This is where that infamous, unicorn, called self-esteem, comes in. To truly love yourself, you need to know yourself. You need to know what things you like and what things you don’t. It seems simple enough but deciphering which is a genuine fondness of a trait is actually quite tricky… Most commonly because you’ve spent years of your life being told what’s good and bad by your friends, parents, the media, all those roll models you grew up with. All those people who aren’t you. Which of your traits do you, deep down inside, which DO YOU think are bad and which have other people told you are. At the end of the day, no one knows better than yourself.
It is work. Many hours, maybe years but it’s worth every second because when you’ve accepted who you are, when you love what you are and are happy alone, with just yourself, you lose the fear of the end… Of the heart wrenching break up, of the come down. You forget the crushing feelings after the months of chemical bliss, after the honeymoon period, after they come to their senses and walk away… That fear, those memories of sitting alone, pounding ice-cream down your throat, filling the empty tub with tears and dragging yourself from room to room, feeling like the weight of a thousand pound padlock’s around your neck, with “JADED” emblazoned across it… Those days end. You can dive face first into any encounter with a human of attraction and fall till you hit love and keep falling, because you’re free. You can let anyone you please in and drop all guards, because you know what’s behind them and you love it and if they don’t, you don’t care… And if they do, well.. It’s a swan dive, from there.
PS. I have a thing on.Medium.com now. For those interested. The article there has fun pictures, too!